- If the band has an engagement and you can’t be present, don’t say anything about it.
- Don’t wear your uniform unless you desire it; your citizen’s dress will make the audience think you are a soloist.
- Always wear your cap on the side or back of your head.
- Remember a little decoration improves the uniform, such as: a flower stuck in the cap or a few medals on the coat.
- In a parade, just walk along any old way; this will cause the bystanders to think you were engaged for what you know, not for what you do.
- Remember the ladies on the sidewalk like to have you holler at them; this will show the other fellow that you stand in.
- If you hear another band playing, don’t fail to say: “Oh that is simply rotten”, and say it so strangers may hear it.
- Have a good time on any engagement; remember it is your picnic and you were hired to enjoy yourself.
- Always wait until the band is about to play and then ask: “What cher goin’ to play?” and no matter what it is, don’t fail to remark “What, that bum thing?”
- Always play as loud as you can, to show the people you are the whole band.
- Start to grumble about playing too often as soon as the parade starts, and inform those around you that if it wasn’t for crippling the band you’d go home.
- If you see a lady friend of one of the band members, yell out: “Say Jack, there’s Jennie”. Jack will feel grateful for this.
- If you are playing at a banquet, let your first question be: “When do we eat?”
- If you go along quietly in a parade the people will think you are only a good musician: to avoid this, keep up a conversation with members on the opposite side of the band.
- When anyone asks where you were taught music, just say: “Oh, I picked it up.” Never give the director any credit.
- Wear yellow shoes for parade jobs, but don’t holler if the leader gives you a kick with the point of a black shoe.
- Don’t bring your music stand; the other fellow will have one (maybe) and you can use part of his.
- Develop the artistic temperament; criticize the leader, and buck all tempos. You have studied and you KNOW.
- Save all your funny stories for a funeral job; it cheers the mourners to hear the bandmen laugh.
- Don’t attend rehearsal if you can find anything else to do; the other fellows are the only ones who need to rehearse.
- When the band is on parade and halt is called, sit down on the curb; this will show that you are a concert performer and that it makes you tired to walk.
- Never polish your instrument. This is an amateur’s trick and you want to appear as a professional.
- Blatweasels (Altos) should never be taken from the bandroom except for jobs. Practice is not needed on this instrument.
- The step played by the drummer is always wrong. Every man in the band should voice his opinion on this matter.
- Allow your tuning slide to get stuck so you cannot move it; then the band will have to tune to you.
- Always play middle C at the end of a strain an octave higher; this will be a strain on both you and the audience.
- If you are asked to play a second or third part, pack up and go home; let your slogan be “solo or nothing”.
- When the leader raps for order, begin to improvise; if all do this then the ensemble will be beautiful, and it makes the leader good natured.
- While marching, if a street car comes along, jump on the running board and ride a little way; the band will catch up with you and you will be noticed by all onlookers.
Reprinted from “Conn”